yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
so let's talk penis.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Randomize
