after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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