he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
