I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Pooping to opera.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
