can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
