happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Randomize
