mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
My liver just broke up with me...
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
