How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
