No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
