I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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