you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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