If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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