just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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