i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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