I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Is it because I queefed?
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
