Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
