i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
