I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Randomize
