He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
