why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
