I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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