I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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