I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I have surprise drugs for everyone
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
