we're chasing vodka with high fives
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize