my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
