I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
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