Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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