I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
