You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Randomize
