I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
if only i could text you this smell
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize