the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize