Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
This gyro tastes like lonliness
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
They took my balls.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Randomize
