i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
