if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
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