don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
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