The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
