I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Randomize
