Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
