ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize