just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Randomize
