i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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