I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
