he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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