I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Randomize
