Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Randomize
