can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Randomize
