I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
