she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
