two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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