I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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