i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
