Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Randomize
