Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
