I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize