I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
