Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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