is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
