my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
