the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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