It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Text me some of your sweat
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
