i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I didn't notice because vodka
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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