you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
