I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
birth control should be required to get into college
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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